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1
Crap! / It's been a while
« on: August 03, 2017, 04:40:58 pm »
SINCE I COULD
HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH
AND IT'S BEEN A WHILE


Hi everyone. It has been WAY too fucking long since I've last posted, I've last browsed the site, since I've last even though about this site. Way too long. I guess I could just catch everyone up with how my life's been going.

LAST TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z
When I was last here, I was living in Chico, ecstatic at my new position at Milestone doing remote IT for Facebook, and everything seemed to be doing alright.

Fast forward to today, I moved from Chico not even a week ago down to the bay area, as we were made aware on June 2nd that our office was shutting down due to wanting our services to be closer to Menlo Park.
In February, I moved up an on from remote helpdesk to IT Security that deals with so much that even I don't understand the full scope of the team, but on that day we were told that our team had nothing to worry about as we would still have positions down in the bay.
Cut to the middle of July and only then were we presented with offers due to some bullshit with a job title not being approved and other trivial things that prevented us from having our offers sooner.
Upon accepting the new position, I was able to secure a new apartment, pack my belongings, enjoy a four day family vacation that was planned six months in advance then move four hours from my previous location all within a matter of two weeks.

Needless to say, I'm still getting adjusted to living on my own for the first time as this whole situation came out of nowhere for me. Had I not taken this opportunity, most likely I would've had to go back to Best Buy or find some sort of other tech job in an area that now had a large flood of applicants (as not everyone from our office was accepted) on top of being unemployed for a period of time.

All I can say right now is that I am looking forward to this weekend, as the past weekend I still had to work a shift on my old position remotely from my apartment, tethered to my phone as I didn't own a coax cable to hook up my modem/router.

I could say and promise many things on how I'll be more active on here, but I did that the last time and that didn't work out at ALL, so what I'll say is that I'm alive, I may be coming back more frequently, and that I've missed the shit out of you guys.

2
Crap! / SaltyBet
« on: April 23, 2016, 10:22:29 am »
I know this is old hat, but I just found out about SaltyBet and have had it on in the background while at work. Why is it so interesting to watch the outcome of placing fake bets on AI based fights?

3
Crap! / Derf, please read.
« on: December 22, 2015, 03:17:18 am »
Greetings, Derf. As I have not been present over this past weekend due to my final day of working at Best Buy, along with packing up and traveling back to my hometown to spend time with my friends and family for the next few weeks, I'll go ahead and attempt to explain for either actions or inactions taken.

After I had made my apology and you replied back with an apology of your own, I fully admit to stating 'Apology Accepted, see you in a week. ~Mkid' as your ban message. I understand that this whole dispute has been between you and me. However, even though my original statement was a week per alt account created, you yourself gave yourself a week's sentencing to then return as if nothing had happened with spamming the forums. I never stated you were banned for only a week in your ban message, I knew that you'd be making a return after a week or so anyway had I said anything otherwise.

Again, this whole dispute between you and me is about communication, and I sincerely apologize for not being on when I say I'm on, my server still has me logged in constantly and I haven't shut it off as I want it to keep going for as long as possible. There's one giant aspect that I think you might be leaving out of your perspective, so I'll go ahead and state it outright- even though they might only pop in from time to time, the other admins, mods and Kayin still hold power as to what goes on here. Given that I've only had this power for such a short time when compared to at least Venser and Evan, I don't want to do anything to step on their toes as I'm the new guy, even though we all have the same power. They both voted that you be permanently banned for causing a shit storm over a single post, and you have to admit that you blew it out of proportions quite a bit.

With that being said, only now have I banned Derfs 18-29, no one else was on here to have banned any of your accounts, it could be possible that the IP addresses you attempted to use were already flagged somehow, but it wasn't myself or anyone else from the evidence I could find at this time.

If you want to get on our good side again, there is a ban appeal e-mail address on the ban page (IWBTFBanAppeal@gmail.com), I can try to chat to the others if you make a compelling case for lifting it, but for now, I agree with the decision that your accounts are permanbanned.

4
Crap! / Raggity Rock (Rule 3)
« on: July 18, 2015, 06:32:47 pm »
Welcome back, it's been a while! How's life been treating you as of late?

5
Crap! / Kung Fury
« on: June 05, 2015, 01:21:00 am »
Everyone, please do yourselves a favor and watch this. You won't regret it.
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/bS5P_LAqiVg" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/bS5P_LAqiVg</a>

6
Does anyone else on here listen to the podcast Welcome to Night Vale?

7
Crap! / A haunted house is being built in my town
« on: March 02, 2015, 10:02:25 pm »
While I've only been up here for a few years, I've heard tell of a restaurant being closed down nearly thirty years back, but it's all speculations and rumors as no one quite remembers the reason why. Anyway, a small crack team of college students have been able to track down bits and pieces from the restaurant to make use in their creepy, run down building. It seems like it's just about ready to launch, but there's no official date as of yet... Coincidentally, they seem to have an opening for a graveyard shift and I'm thinking of applying for it.

8
Crap! / MM3D WORST PORT EVER 0/10 GAMESPOT EXCLUSIVE
« on: February 13, 2015, 11:17:10 am »
I've searched High and Low and all through Terminal, only to be solely disappointed, my heart truly sank when I learned what they sacrificed to bring this majestic game to the 3DS...

Quote
: Syndrome • show
It does not feature the Song of Double Twice.


#boycottNintendo2015

9
Crap! / Why Consumerism and Assholes are making me hate my favorite game
« on: January 14, 2015, 11:37:36 pm »
I was so fucking ecstatic when I learned that my favorite game, Legend of Zelda Majora's Mask, was being remade for the 3DS a couple of months back and was hoping that they would do something for a limited edition of the game. Last Thursday, I learned that two days prior, they released pre-orders for said limited edition and they all sold out within minutes. I couldn't be too upset as I hadn't heard about it due to staring my workweek on a Tuesday. A day or so afterwards, I found out that they were holding a Nintendo Direct this morning to announce new games, release dates and such, so I set my alarm for 6am to catch it live and saw them tease a new 3DS limited run for the console, but only stated that pre-orders were coming soon. So I went back to bed after having checked each site that would've sold it (Game Stop, Best Buy) and woke up to find it had already sold out.

Already on eBay, you can see the consoles that AREN'T EVEN IN THE HANDS OF THE SELLERS UNTIL 2/13 being sold for over a THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS. I'm upset for a multitude of reasons- first, I'm upset at myself for not having the free time that many people on the Internet do to wait until a specific product is released and get it the very nanosecond it goes up on the site. I understand that this is a part of being an adult, that I have to work for a living and can't spend 24/7 on the Internet like I used to,I get that. Secondly, I'm upset with retailers. Yes, the advent of the Internet has allowed for commerce to the Nth degree to take place rather than solely relying on a brick and mortar store to either wait for a copy to arrive or to place a special order in for it... I ALMOST- ALMOST decided to be late to work for 15 minutes so that I could be the first in line at the Game Stop close to work to put in a preorder at the store as it opened. Unfortunately, my morals kicked in and I didn't. I did go over on my lunch on a whim, but I was told that the first person there had bought out whatever stock they were alloted.  Not that I know how they could've collaborated, but someone could've posted a time clock as to when specific retailers would post their pre-orders so there could am have been some order, but no. Game stop put theirs up within an hour of it being announced, and Best Buy waited until the middle of my workday to post theirs, again sold out in minutes. This leads me to who I hate the most out of these situations- motherfucking scalpers.

I am more than understanding if you have a household full of nerds and each one one to place a preorder, more power to ya, but you are a real fucking asshole if you buy it in bulk solely to turn around to sell online at high profit. I don't care if you do it to support and feed your family, fuck you. Yeah, you have to front the cash first before you can profit, but in this day and age if you bet on the wrong horse and find that the item isn't selling, a simple cancel of the preorder and no one's the wiser.

In short, I'm tired from working a long day, I'm upset that I can't buy the things I want and fuck scalpers.

10
Crap! / FREE GAME FROM HUMBLE BUNDLE FROM YOURS TRULY
« on: November 26, 2014, 03:04:26 am »
First three to claim it get it! No Strings Attached!*

*To all countries and destinations except Wallis & Futuna and St. Helena. Data usage varies by device. Calculations of data usage are estimates only; actual amount of data used may vary significantly. Capable device required for 4G and LTE speeds. Limited time offers; subject to change. Taxes and fees additional. Unlimited talk and text features for direct U.S. communications between 2 people. General Terms: At participating locations. Domestic only, unless otherwise specified. Credit approval, deposit, and $10 SIM starter kit may be required. If you switch plans you may be bound by existing term (including early termination provisions) and/or charged an up to $200 fee. Regulatory Programs Fee of $1.61 per line/month applies. Taxes approx. 6-28% of bill. Partial megabytes rounded up. Full speeds available up to monthly allotment; then slowed to up to 2G speeds for rest of billing cycle. Roaming and on-network data allotments differ; 1 GB full-speed plan includes 10 MB roaming; 3 GB and Unlimited 4G full-speed plans and 5 GB limited Smartphone Mobile Hotspot feature, include 50 MB roaming; 5 GB full-speed plan includes 100 MB roaming. Capable device & coverage required to achieve 4G LTE speeds. Limited time offers; subject to change. Taxes and fees additional. Simple Starter Plan: At participating locations. Domestic only. Credit approval, deposit and $10 SIM starter kit may be required. Not eligible for discounts.  If you switch plans you may be bound by existing term (including early termination provisions) and/or charged an up to $200 fee. Regulatory Programs Fee of $1.61 per line/month applies. Taxes approx. 6 -28% of bill. Partial megabytes rounded up. 2GB data allotment capped.  Roaming and on-network data allotments differ; 2 GB plan option includes 50 MB roaming.  Smartphone Mobile HotSpot:  Qualifying service required.  Plan data allotment applies.  Roaming and on-network data allotments differ; see above for details.  Use of connected devices subject to I Wanna Be The Forums Terms and Conditions.  Must use device manufacturer or I Wanna Be The Forums feature. Equipment Installment Plan: Availability and amount of EIP financing subject to credit approval. Down payment and unfinanced portion required at purchase. Balance paid in monthly installments. Final EIP payment may be up to $0.99 more per item and is listed in your EIP agreement. Must remain on qualifying service in good standing for duration of EIP agreement. Taxes and late/non-payment fees may apply. Participating locations only. Example(s) shown reflects down payment and monthly payments of our most creditworthy customers; amounts for others will vary. Pricing applicable to single device purchase. Music Streaming: Qualifying Simple Choice Plan required. Licensed music streaming from included services does not count toward Simple Choice high speed data allotment on Kayin’s network; song downloads, video content, and non-music audio content excluded. Music streamed using Smartphone Mobile HotSpot Service or to tethered devices may count toward high speed data allotment. See list for included service; check list frequently, as more services may be added. UnRadio: Service not available for BlackBerry or Windows phones. Service available at no extra charge while you maintain qualifying Unlimited 4G LTE plan. Music streaming is ad-free; radio station streaming may contain radio station ads. JUMP!: Qualifying service plan with financed device required. Pay 50% of your device cost to be eligible for upgrades. Trade-in of an eligible device in good working order required. Offer may not be available in all locations. Device pricing may vary based on approved credit. NY residents must use JUMP benefits prior to completing 2 insurance claims in 12 mos. JUMP upgrades from I Wanna Be The Forums; trade-in benefits through Mkid. Program fees paid to Mkid. No separate insurance fees, except in NY.  Int’l Roaming: Additional charges apply in excluded destinations; see here for included destinations (subject to change at Kayin’s discretion). Qualifying postpaid Simple Choice plan and capable device required. Taxes additional; usage taxed in some countries. Voice and text features for direct communications between 2 people. Communications with premium-rate (e.g., 900, entertainment, high-rate helpline) numbers not included and may incur additional charges. Calls over Wi-Fi are $.20/min (no charge for Wi-Fi calls to U.S.). Coverage not available in some areas; we are not responsible for the performance of our roaming partners’ networks. Standard speeds approx. 128 Kbps. No tethering. Not for extended international use; you must reside in the U.S. and primary usage must occur on our U.S. network. Device must register on our U.S. network before international use. Service may be terminated or restricted for excessive roaming or misuse. Int’l Text: Qualifying service required for each line. Text messages must originate on Kayin’s U.S. network; otherwise standard international roaming rates apply.  Text messaging applies to mobile phones only. I Wanna Be The Forums may change included countries at its discretion. See iwbtg.kayin.moe/forums for lists of countries. Stateside Int'l Talk:  Qualifying service with unlimited domestic calling required for each line. Calls must originate on Kayin’s U.S. network; otherwise standard international roaming rates apply.  I Wanna Be The Forums may change included countries at its discretion. Rates to other countries vary and are subject to change.   See iwbtg.kayin.moe/forums for lists of countries and rate information for non-included countries.  With mobile feature includes unlimited calling to mobile numbers in over 30 countries and 1000 minutes to mobile phones in Mexico only; calls rated on a per minute basis; partial minutes rounded up.  Overage extra; $0.04/minute. Coverage not available in some areas. Network Management: Service may be slowed, suspended, terminated, or restricted for misuse, abnormal use, interference with our network or ability to provide quality service to other users, or significant roaming.

11
Crap! / Guys, I broke Comcast.
« on: October 01, 2014, 12:42:14 am »

12
Crap! / Rule 37 up in this bitch
« on: September 30, 2014, 02:38:04 pm »
Two things:

1. It's been far, far too long since I've last posted.. Real life has a way of becoming a terrible timesink, tearing you away from the activities you once used to enjoy. That, and since I wanted to return with an Excellent® story or two, I was trying to hold off until something exciting happened. Nothing has.

2. Since nothing exciting had happened, I figure I'd post instead something I completely forgot existed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8wUSlmxcT8
This was something my friends and I had done at our local anime convention. Since we had had enough people in our group (Kudo and those that have seen my IRL pics can attest to that), we figured we might as well perform a skit, too!

I will try to resume my regularly scheduled lurking sometime this week.

EDIT: Found out my favorite Genesis homebrew title got rereleased in HD for a whole bunch of platforms today, I highly recommend it. http://store.steampowered.com/app/286220/

13
Crap! / BREAKING THE RULES (More specifically, Rule 37)
« on: July 23, 2014, 01:14:20 am »
As my next two days will be nothing but packing my things and moving them over, not to mention that I haven't transferred the internet service over to the new residence yet (which most likely we'll have to switch providers due to lack of speed), I will be taking a short leave of absence of about a week or so, maybe longer. I promise to fill everyone in on all the exciting** things that I've done over that time and hopefully catch up on all that happened here!

Good night, and good luck.

**Excitement is subject to change; in the event that nothing exciting happened during Mkid's leave of absence, he must make up a story on the spot to fulfill his obligation of returning to IWBTF with such story. By reading this disclaimer, you agree to not hold it against Mkid for breaking rule 37 by not being signed into IWBTF during his absence. In the event that blatant Admin/Godmin/Adman/LoveMod abuse takes a hold of such disclaimer notice, upon his return, Mkid will post a screenshot capture of said text with a date/time stamp as evidence of original intent of post. In the unlikely event that Mkid does not return to IWBTF in a timely manner, those that can contact him on Skype already may do so in order to entice him back onto the site. In the event that you miss Mkid, you may bide your time by reading the full text of the short story by Harlan Ellison, "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream," which will now be copied and pasted onto the line below.

Limp, the body of Gorrister hung from the pink palette; unsupported—hanging high above us in the computer chamber; and it did not shiver in the chill, oily breeze that blew eternally through the main cavern. The body hung head down, attached to the underside of the palette by the sole of its right foot. It had been drained of blood through a precise incision made from ear to ear under the lantern jaw. There was no blood on the reflective surface of the metal floor.
When Gorrister joined our group and looked up at himself, it was already too late for us to realize that, once again, AM had duped us, had had its fun; it had been a diversion on the part of the machine. Three of us had vomited, turning away from one another in a reflex as ancient as the nausea that had produced it.
Gorrister went white. It was almost as though he had seen a voodoo icon, and was afraid of the future. "Oh, God," he mumbled, and walked away. The three of us followed him after a time, and found him sitting with his back to one of the smaller chittering banks, his head in his hands. Ellen knelt down beside him and stroked his hair. He didn't move, but his voice came out of his covered face quite clearly. "Why doesn't it just do us in and get it over with? Christ, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this."
It was our one hundred and ninth year in the computer.
He was speaking for all of us.
I think, therefore I am.

Nimdok (which was the name the machine had forced him to use, because AM amused itself with strange sounds) was hallucinating that there were canned goods in the ice caverns. Gorrister and I were very dubious. "It's another shuck," I told them. "Like the goddam frozen elephant AM sold us. Benny almost went out of his mind over that one. We'll hike all that way and it'll be putrified or some damn thing. I say forget it. Stay here, it'll have to come up with something pretty soon or we'll die."
Benny shrugged. Three days it had been since we'd last eaten. Worms. Thick, ropey.
Nimdok was no more certain. He knew there was the chance, but he was getting thin. It couldn't be any worse there, than here. Colder, but that didn't matter much. Hot, cold, hail, lava, boils or locusts—it never mattered: the machine masturbated and we had to take it or die.
Ellen decided us. "I've got to have something, Ted. Maybe there'll be some Bartlett pears or peaches. Please, Ted, let's try it."
I gave in easily. What the hell. Mattered not at all. Ellen was grateful, though. She took me twice out of turn. Even that had ceased to matter. And she never came, so why bother? But the machine giggled every time we did it. Loud, up there, back there, all around us, he snickered. It snickered. Most of the time I thought of AM as it, without a soul; but the rest of the time I thought of it as him, in the masculine ... the paternal ... the patriarchal ... for he is a jealous people. Him. It. God as Daddy the Deranged.
We left on a Thursday. The machine always kept us up-to-date on the date. The passage of time was important; not to us, sure as hell, but to him ... it ... AM. Thursday. Thanks.
Nimdok and Gorrister carried Ellen for a while, their hands locked to their own and each other's wrists, a seat. Benny and I walked before and after, just to make sure that, if anything happened, it would catch one of us and at least Ellen would be safe. Fat chance, safe. Didn't matter.
It was only a hundred miles or so to the ice caverns, and the second day, when we were lying out under the blistering sun-thing he had materialized, he sent down some manna. Tasted like boiled boar urine. We ate it.
On the third day we passed through a valley of obsolescence, filled with rusting carcasses of ancient computer banks. AM had been as ruthless with its own life as with ours. It was a mark of his personality: it strove for perfection. Whether it was a matter of killing off unproductive elements in his own world-filling bulk, or perfecting methods for torturing us, AM was as thorough as those who had invented him—now long since gone to dust—could ever have hoped.
There was light filtering down from above, and we realized we must be very near the surface. But we didn't try to crawl up to see. There was virtually nothing out there; had been nothing that could be considered anything for over a hundred years. Only the blasted skin of what had once been the home of billions. Now there were only five of us, down here inside, alone with AM.
I heard Ellen saying frantically, "No, Benny! Don't, come on, Benny, don't please!"
And then I realized I had been hearing Benny murmuring, under his breath, for several minutes. He was saying, "I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna get out ..." over and over. His monkey-like face was crumbled up in an expression of beatific delight and sadness, all at the same time. The radiation scars AM had given him during the "festival" were drawn down into a mass of pink-white puckerings, and his features seemed to work independently of one another. Perhaps Benny was the luckiest of the five of us: he had gone stark, staring mad many years before.
But even though we could call AM any damned thing we liked, could think the foulest thoughts of fused memory banks and corroded base plates, of burnt out circuits and shattered control bubbles, the machine would not tolerate our trying to escape. Benny leaped away from me as I made a grab for him. He scrambled up the face of a smaller memory cube, tilted on its side and filled with rotted components. He squatted there for a moment, looking like the chimpanzee AM had intended him to resemble.
Then he leaped high, caught a trailing beam of pitted and corroded metal, and went up it, hand-over-hand like an animal, till he was on a girdered ledge, twenty feet above us.
"Oh, Ted, Nimdok, please, help him, get him down before—" She cut off. Tears began to stand in her eyes. She moved her hands aimlessly.
It was too late. None of us wanted to be near him when whatever was going to happen, happened. And besides, we all saw through her concern. When AM had altered Benny, during the machine's utterly irrational, hysterical phase, it was not merely Benny's face the computer had made like a giant ape's. He was big in the privates; she loved that! She serviced us, as a matter of course, but she loved it from him. Oh Ellen, pedestal Ellen, pristine-pure Ellen; oh Ellen the clean! Scum filth.
Gorrister slapped her. She slumped down, staring up at poor loonie Benny, and she cried. It was her big defense, crying. We had gotten used to it seventy-five years earlier. Gorrister kicked her in the side.
Then the sound began. It was light, that sound. Half sound and half light, something that began to glow from Benny's eyes, and pulse with growing loudness, dim sonorities that grew more gigantic and brighter as the light/sound increased in tempo. It must have been painful, and the pain must have been increasing with the boldness of the light, the rising volume of the sound, for Benny began to mewl like a wounded animal. At first softly, when the light was dim and the sound was muted, then louder as his shoulders hunched together: his back humped, as though he was trying to get away from it. His hands folded across his chest like a chipmunk's. His head tilted to the side. The sad little monkey-face pinched in anguish. Then he began to howl, as the sound coming from his eyes grew louder. Louder and louder. I slapped the sides of my head with my hands, but I couldn't shut it out, it cut through easily. The pain shivered through my flesh like tinfoil on a tooth.
And Benny was suddenly pulled erect. On the girder he stood up, jerked to his feet like a puppet. The light was now pulsing out of his eyes in two great round beams. The sound crawled up and up some incomprehensible scale, and then he fell forward, straight down, and hit the plate-steel floor with a crash. He lay there jerking spastically as the light flowed around and around him and the sound spiraled up out of normal range.
Then the light beat its way back inside his head, the sound spiraled down, and he was left lying there, crying piteously.
His eyes were two soft, moist pools of pus-like jelly. AM had blinded him. Gorrister and Nimdok and myself ... we turned away. But not before we caught the look of relief on Ellen's warm, concerned face.
Cogito ergo sum.

Sea-green light suffused the cavern where we made camp. AM provided punk and we burned it, sitting huddled around the wan and pathetic fire, telling stories to keep Benny from crying in his permanent night.
"What does AM mean?"
Gorrister answered him. We had done this sequence a thousand times before, but it was Benny's favorite story. "At first it meant Allied Mastercomputer, and then it meant Adaptive Manipulator, and later on it developed sentience and linked itself up and they called it an Aggressive Menace, but by then it was too late, and finally it called itself AM, emerging intelligence, and what it meant was I am ... cogito ergo sum ... I think, therefore I am."
Benny drooled a little, and snickered.
"There was the Chinese AM and the Russian AM and the Yankee AM and—" He stopped. Benny was beating on the floorplates with a large, hard fist. He was not happy. Gorrister had not started at the beginning.
Gorrister began again. "The Cold War started and became World War Three and just kept going. It became a big war, a very complex war, so they needed the computers to handle it. They sank the first shafts and began building AM. There was the Chinese AM and the Russian AM and the Yankee AM and everything was fine until they had honeycombed the entire planet, adding on this element and that element. But one day AM woke up and knew who he was, and he linked himself, and he began feeding all the killing data, until everyone was dead, except for the five of us, and AM brought us down here."
Benny was smiling sadly. He was also drooling again. Ellen wiped the spittle from the corner of his mouth with the hem of her skirt. Gorrister always tried to tell it a little more succinctly each time, but beyond the bare facts there was nothing to say. None of us knew why AM had saved five people, or why our specific five, or why he spent all his time tormenting us, or even why he had made us virtually immortal ...
In the darkness, one of the computer banks began humming. The tone was picked up half a mile away down the cavern by another bank. Then one by one, each of the elements began to tune itself, and there was a faint chittering as thought raced through the machine.
The sound grew, and the lights ran across the faces of the consoles like heat lightening. The sound spiraled up till it sounded like a million metallic insects, angry, menacing.
"What is it?" Ellen cried. There was terror in her voice. She hadn't become accustomed to it, even now.
"It's going to be bad this time," Nimdok said.
"He's going to speak," Gorrister said. "I know it."
"Let's get the hell out of here!" I said suddenly, getting to my feet.
"No, Ted, sit down ... what if he's got pits out there, or something else, we can't see, it's too dark." Gorrister said it with resignation.
Then we heard ... I don't know ...
Something moving toward us in the darkness. Huge, shambling, hairy, moist, it came toward us. We couldn't even see it, but there was the ponderous impression of bulk, heaving itself toward us. Great weight was coming at us, out of the darkness, and it was more a sense of pressure, of air forcing itself into a limited space, expanding the invisible walls of a sphere. Benny began to whimper. Nimdok's lower lip trembled and he bit it hard, trying to stop it. Ellen slid across the metal floor to Gorrister and huddled into him. There was the smell of matted, wet fur in the cavern. There was the smell of charred wood. There was the smell of dusty velvet. There was the smell of rotting orchids. There was the smell of sour milk. There was the smell of sulphur, of rancid butter, of oil slick, of grease, of chalk dust, of human scalps.
AM was keying us. He was tickling us. There was the smell of—
I heard myself shriek, and the hinges of my jaws ached. I scuttled across the floor, across the cold metal with its endless lines of rivets, on my hands and knees, the smell gagging me, filling my head with a thunderous pain that sent me away in horror. I fled like a cockroach, across the floor and out into the darkness, that something moving inexorably after me. The others were still back there, gathered around the firelight, laughing ... their hysterical choir of insane giggles rising up into the darkness like thick, many-colored wood smoke. I went away, quickly, and hid.
How many hours it may have been, how many days or even years, they never told me. Ellen chided me for "sulking," and Nimdok tried to persuade me it had only been a nervous reflex on their part—the laughing.
But I knew it wasn't the relief a soldier feels when the bullet hits the man next to him. I knew it wasn't a reflex. They hated me. They were surely against me, and AM could even sense this hatred, and made it worse for me because of the depth of their hatred. We had been kept alive, rejuvenated, made to remain constantly at the age we had been when AM had brought us below, and they hated me because I was the youngest, and the one AM had affected least of all.
I knew. God, how I knew. The bastards, and that dirty bitch Ellen. Benny had been a brilliant theorist, a college professor; now he was little more than a semi-human, semi-simian. He had been handsome, the machine had ruined that. He had been lucid, the machine had driven him mad. He had been gay, and the machine had given him an organ fit for a horse. AM had done a job on Benny. Gorrister had been a worrier. He was a connie, a conscientious objector; he was a peace marcher; he was a planner, a doer, a looker-ahead. AM had turned him into a shoulder-shrugger, had made him a little dead in his concern. AM had robbed him. Nimdok went off in the darkness by himself for long times. I don't know what it was he did out there, AM never let us know. But whatever it was, Nimdok always came back white, drained of blood, shaken, shaking. AM had hit him hard in a special way, even if we didn't know quite how. And Ellen. That douche bag! AM had left her alone, had made her more of a slut than she had ever been. All her talk of sweetness and light, all her memories of true love, all the lies she wanted us to believe: that she had been a virgin only twice removed before AM grabbed her and brought her down here with us. No, AM had given her pleasure, even if she said it wasn't nice to do.
I was the only one still sane and whole. Really!
AM had not tampered with my mind. Not at all.
I only had to suffer what he visited down on us. All the delusions, all the nightmares, the torments. But those scum, all four of them, they were lined and arrayed against me. If I hadn't had to stand them off all the time, be on my guard against them all the time, I might have found it easier to combat AM.
At which point it passed, and I began crying.
Oh, Jesus sweet Jesus, if there ever was a Jesus and if there is a God, please please please let us out of here, or kill us. Because at that moment I think I realized completely, so that I was able to verbalize it: AM was intent on keeping us in his belly forever, twisting and torturing us forever. The machine hated us as no sentient creature had ever hated before. And we were helpless. It also became hideously clear:
If there was a sweet Jesus and if there was a God, the God was AM.
I think, therefore I am.

The hurricane hit us with the force of a glacier thundering into the sea. It was a palpable presence. Winds that tore at us, flinging us back the way we had come, down the twisting, computer-lined corridors of the darkway. Ellen screamed as she was lifted and hurled face-forward into a screaming shoal of machines, their individual voices strident as bats in flight. She could not even fall. The howling wind kept her aloft, buffeted her, bounced her, tossed her back and back and down and away from us, out of sight suddenly as she was swirled around a bend in the darkway. Her face had been bloody, her eyes closed.
None of us could get to her. We clung tenaciously to whatever outcropping we had reached: Benny wedged in between two great crackle-finish cabinets, Nimdok with fingers claw-formed over a railing circling a catwalk forty feet above us, Gorrister plastered upside-down against a wall niche formed by two great machines with glass-faced dials that swung back and forth between red and yellow lines whose meanings we could not even fathom.
Sliding across the deckplates, the tips of my fingers had been ripped away. I was trembling, shuddering, rocking as the wind beat at me, whipped at me, screamed down out of nowhere at me and pulled me free from one sliver-thin opening in the plates to the next. My mind was a roiling tinkling chittering softness of brain parts that expanded and contracted in quivering frenzy.
The wind was the scream of a great mad bird, as it flapped its immense wings.
And then we were all lifted and hurled away from there, down back the way we had come, around a bend, into a darkway we had never explored, over terrain that was ruined and filled with broken glass and rotting cables and rusted metal and far away, farther than any of us had ever been ...
Trailing along miles behind Ellen, I could see her every now and then, crashing into metal walls and surging on, with all of us screaming in the freezing, thunderous hurricane wind that would never end and then suddenly it stopped and we fell. We had been in flight for an endless time. I thought it might have been weeks. We fell, and hit, and I went through red and gray and black and heard myself moaning. Not dead.
Cogito ergo sum.

AM went into my mind. He walked smoothly here and there, and looked with interest at all the pock marks he had created in one hundred and nine years. He looked at the cross-routed and reconnected synapses and all the tissue damage his gift of immortality had included. He smiled softly at the pit that dropped into the center of my brain and the faint, moth-soft murmurings of the things far down there that gibbered without meaning, without pause. AM said, very politely, in a pillar of stainless steel bearing bright neon lettering:


AM said it with the sliding cold horror of a razor blade slicing my eyeball. AM said it with the bubbling thickness of my lungs filling with phlegm, drowning me from within. AM said it with the shriek of babies being ground beneath blue-hot rollers. AM said it with the taste of maggoty pork. AM touched me in every way I had ever been touched, and devised new ways, at his leisure, there inside my mind.
All to bring me to full realization of why it had done this to the five of us; why it had saved us for himself.
We had given AM sentience. Inadvertently, of course, but sentience nonetheless. But it had been trapped. AM wasn't God, he was a machine. We had created him to think, but there was nothing it could do with that creativity. In rage, in frenzy, the machine had killed the human race, almost all of us, and still it was trapped. AM could not wander, AM could not wonder, AM could not belong. He could merely be. And so, with the innate loathing that all machines had always held for the weak, soft creatures who had built them, he had sought revenge. And in his paranoia, he had decided to reprieve five of us, for a personal, everlasting punishment that would never serve to diminish his hatred ... that would merely keep him reminded, amused, proficient at hating man. Immortal, trapped, subject to any torment he could devise for us from the limitless miracles at his command.
He would never let us go. We were his belly slaves. We were all he had to do with his forever time. We would be forever with him, with the cavern-filling bulk of the creature machine, with the all-mind soulless world he had become. He was Earth, and we were the fruit of that Earth; and though he had eaten us, he would never digest us. We could not die. We had tried it. We had attempted suicide, oh one or two of us had. But AM had stopped us. I suppose we had wanted to be stopped.
Don't ask why. I never did. More than a million times a day. Perhaps once we might be able to sneak a death past him. Immortal, yes, but not indestructible. I saw that when AM withdrew from my mind, and allowed me the exquisite ugliness of returning to consciousness with the feeling of that burning neon pillar still rammed deep into the soft gray brain matter.
He withdrew, murmuring to hell with you.
And added, brightly, but then you're there, aren't you.
I think, therefore I am.

The hurricane had, indeed, precisely, been caused by a great mad bird, as it flapped its immense wings.
We had been travelling for close to a month, and AM had allowed passages to open to us only sufficient to lead us up there, directly under the North Pole, where it had nightmared the creature for our torment. What whole cloth had he employed to create such a beast? Where had he gotten the concept? From our minds? From his knowledge of everything that had ever been on this planet he now infested and ruled? From Norse mythology it had sprung, this eagle, this carrion bird, this roc, this Huergelmir. The wind creature. Hurakan incarnate.
Gigantic. The words immense, monstrous, grotesque, massive, swollen, overpowering, beyond description. There on a mound rising above us, the bird of winds heaved with its own irregular breathing, its snake neck arching up into the gloom beneath the North Pole, supporting a head as large as a Tudor mansion; a beak that opened slowly as the jaws of the most monstrous crocodile ever conceived, sensuously; ridges of tufted flesh puckered about two evil eyes, as cold as the view down into a glacial crevasse, ice blue and somehow moving liquidly; it heaved once more, and lifted its great sweat-colored wings in a movement that was certainly a shrug. Then it settled and slept. Talons. Fangs. Nails. Blades. It slept.
AM appeared to us as a burning bush and said we could kill the hurricane bird if we wanted to eat. We had not eaten in a very long time, but even so, Gorrister merely shrugged. Benny began to shiver and he drooled. Ellen held him. "Ted, I'm hungry," she said. I smiled at her; I was trying to be reassuring, but it was as phony as Nimdok's bravado: "Give us weapons!" he demanded.
The burning bush vanished and there were two crude sets of bows and arrows, and a water pistol, lying on the cold deckplates. I picked up a set. Useless.
Nimdok swallowed heavily. We turned and started the long way back. The hurricane bird had blown us about for a length of time we could not conceive. Most of that time we had been unconscious. But we had not eaten. A month on the march to the bird itself. Without food. Now how much longer to find our way to the ice caverns, and the promised canned goods?
None of us cared to think about it. We would not die. We would be given filth and scum to eat, of one kind or another. Or nothing at all. AM would keep our bodies alive somehow, in pain, in agony.
The bird slept back there, for how long it didn't matter; when AM was tired of its being there, it would vanish. But all that meat. All that tender meat.
As we walked, the lunatic laugh of a fat woman rang high and around us in the computer chambers that led endlessly nowhere.
It was not Ellen's laugh. She was not fat, and I had not heard her laugh for one hundred and nine years. In fact, I had not heard ... we walked ... I was hungry ...
Cogito ergo sum.

We moved slowly. There was often fainting, and we would have to wait. One day he decided to cause an earthquake, at the same time rooting us to the spot with nails through the soles of our shoes. Ellen and Nimdok were both caught when a fissure shot its lightning-bolt opening across the floorplates. They disappeared and were gone. When the earthquake was over we continued on our way, Benny, Gorrister and myself. Ellen and Nimdok were returned to us later that night, which abruptly became a day, as the heavenly legion bore them to us with a celestial chorus singing, "Go Down Moses." The archangels circled several times and then dropped the hideously mangled bodies. We kept walking, and a while later Ellen and Nimdok fell in behind us. They were no worse for wear.
But now Ellen walked with a limp. AM had left her that.
It was a long trip to the ice caverns, to find the canned food. Ellen kept talking about Bing cherries and Hawaiian fruit cocktail. I tried not to think about it. The hunger was something that had come to life, even as AM had come to life. It was alive in my belly, even as we were in the belly of the Earth, and AM wanted the similarity known to us. So he heightened the hunger. There is no way to describe the pains that not having eaten for months brought us. And yet we were kept alive. Stomachs that were merely cauldrons of acid, bubbling, foaming, always shooting spears of sliver-thin pain into our chests. It was the pain of the terminal ulcer, terminal cancer, terminal paresis. It was unending pain ...
And we passed through the cavern of rats.
And we passed through the path of boiling steam.
And we passed through the country of the blind.
And we passed through the slough of despond.
And we passed through the vale of tears.
And we came, finally, to the ice caverns. Horizonless thousands of miles in which the ice had formed in blue and silver flashes, where novas lived in the glass. The downdropping stalactites as thick and glorious as diamonds that had been made to run like jelly and then solidified in graceful eternities of smooth, sharp perfection.
We saw the stack of canned goods, and we tried to run to them. We fell in the snow, and we got up and went on, and Benny shoved us away and went at them, and pawed them and gummed them and gnawed at them, and he could not open them. AM had not given us a tool to open the cans.
Benny grabbed a three quart can of guava shells, and began to batter it against the ice bank. The ice flew and shattered, but the can was merely dented, while we heard the laughter of a fat lady, high overhead and echoing down and down and down the tundra. Benny went completely mad with rage. He began throwing cans, as we all scrabbled about in the snow and ice trying to find a way to end the helpless agony of frustration. There was no way.
Then Benny's mouth began to drool, and he flung himself on Gorrister ...
In that instant, I felt terribly calm.
Surrounded by madness, surrounded by hunger, surrounded by everything but death, I knew death was our only way out. AM had kept us alive, but there was a way to defeat him. Not total defeat, but at least peace. I would settle for that.
I had to do it quickly.
Benny was eating Gorrister's face. Gorrister on his side, thrashing snow, Benny wrapped around him with powerful monkey legs crushing Gorrister's waist, his hands locked around Gorrister's head like a nutcracker, and his mouth ripping at the tender skin of Gorrister's cheek. Gorrister screamed with such jagged-edged violence that stalactites fell; they plunged down softly, erect in the receiving snowdrifts. Spears, hundreds of them, everywhere, protruding from the snow. Benny's head pulled back sharply, as something gave all at once, and a bleeding raw-white dripping of flesh hung from his teeth.
Ellen's face, black against the white snow, dominoes in chalk dust. Nimdok, with no expression but eyes, all eyes. Gorrister, half-conscious. Benny, now an animal. I knew AM would let him play. Gorrister would not die, but Benny would fill his stomach. I turned half to my right and drew a huge ice-spear from the snow.
All in an instant:
I drove the great ice-point ahead of me like a battering ram, braced against my right thigh. It struck Benny on the right side, just under the rib cage, and drove upward through his stomach and broke inside him. He pitched forward and lay still. Gorrister lay on his back. I pulled another spear free and straddled him, still moving, driving the spear straight down through his throat. His eyes closed as the cold penetrated. Ellen must have realized what I had decided, even as fear gripped her. She ran at Nimdok with a short icicle, as he screamed, and into his mouth, and the force of her rush did the job. His head jerked sharply as if it had been nailed to the snow crust behind him.
All in an instant.
There was an eternity beat of soundless anticipation. I could hear AM draw in his breath. His toys had been taken from him. Three of them were dead, could not be revived. He could keep us alive, by his strength and talent, but he was not God. He could not bring them back.
Ellen looked at me, her ebony features stark against the snow that surrounded us. There was fear and pleading in her manner, the way she held herself ready. I knew we had only a heartbeat before AM would stop us.
It struck her and she folded toward me, bleeding from the mouth. I could not read meaning into her expression, the pain had been too great, had contorted her face; but it might have been thank you. It's possible. Please.
I think, therefore I am.

Some hundreds of years may have passed. I don't know. AM has been having fun for some time, accelerating and retarding my time sense. I will say the word now. Now. It took me ten months to say now. I don't know. I think it has been some hundreds of years.
He was furious. He wouldn't let me bury them. It didn't matter. There was no way to dig up the deckplates. He dried up the snow. He brought the night. He roared and sent locusts. It didn't do a thing; they stayed dead. I'd had him. He was furious. I had thought AM hated me before. I was wrong. It was not even a shadow of the hate he now slavered from every printed circuit. He made certain I would suffer eternally and could not do myself in.
He left my mind intact. I can dream, I can wonder, I can lament. I remember all four of them. I wish—
Well, it doesn't make any sense. I know I saved them, I know I saved them from what has happened to me, but still, I cannot forget killing them. Ellen's face. It isn't easy. Sometimes I want to, it doesn't matter.
AM has altered me for his own peace of mind, I suppose. He doesn't want me to run at full speed into a computer bank and smash my skull. Or hold my breath till I faint. Or cut my throat on a rusted sheet of metal. There are reflective surfaces down here. I will describe myself as I see myself:
I am a great soft jelly thing. Smoothly rounded, with no mouth, with pulsing white holes filled by fog where my eyes used to be. Rubbery appendages that were once my arms; bulks rounding down into legless humps of soft slippery matter. I leave a moist trail when I move. Blotches of diseased, evil gray come and go on my surface, as though light is being beamed from within.
Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance.
Inwardly: alone. Here. Living under the land, under the sea, in the belly of AM, whom we created because our time was badly spent and we must have known unconsciously that he could do it better. At least the four of them are safe at last.
AM will be all the madder for that. It makes me a little happier. And yet ... AM has won, simply ... he has taken his revenge ...
I have no mouth. And I must scream.

14
General Discussion! / Welp, It's (Semi-)Official.
« on: July 09, 2014, 01:36:36 am »
A few months back, my current roommate and I found out that another one of my good friends had been accepted into Chico State, so we've been on the search for finding another place to live that'd fit all three of us (and also somewhere that isn't downtown, many threads I've started in 2011-2012 explain why), and so we finally entered our applications in today for a 4 bedroom townhouse. We should hear back from them either tomorrow or Thursday if all the paperwork went through, or if something got messed up.

Should everything go through, we start moving in on the 24th, which is a little over two weeks from now, and I haven't even packed a thing. This'll be an interesting two weeks, for sure.

15
Crap! / Mod Appreciation Thread (Can we stop with the Rule 7 abuse?)
« on: June 08, 2014, 11:52:26 am »
It would be much appreciated, thanks.

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