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Author Topic: Cleaning out my dropbox, found this, thought it might be an interesting read  (Read 2239 times)


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As much as the Bible tries to convey a utopian lifestyle
Are we reading the same Bible? All throughout the old and new testaments there's something horribly wrong about society.
(NOTE: All of the following is (1) citing KJV and (2) from an LDS standpoint)
  • Garden of Eden: No babies; Adam and Eve would by modern people be called "Sheltered Beyond Belief" despite the whole "Married Nudists" thing. Hell, sex isn't even mentioned as being a thing until Genesis 4:1, after the expulsion from the Garden of Eden.
  • Between the Expulsion and the Flood: No temporal deterrent against crime; Man has to till the ground with tools that won't last. LDS: The only recorded utopia in the Bible is the City of Enoch, which doesn't even get mentioned in the Old Testament - it's only known because of references to Enoch in other scripture. It's a bit easier from the LDS perspective because we get an abridgment of the Book of Enoch within the Book of Moses but we still don't have anything close to the original Book of Enoch. It ultimately got so bad that God/Jehovah/Whoever you believe to be in charge basically said "screw it, we're resetting."
  • Between the Flood and Abraham: Human Pride leads to the Tower of Babel and the dividing of the languages. LDS: Jaredites split off at this point, not that they have a happy ending. Sodom and Gomorrah, regardless of what you believe to have gone horribly wrong there, goes so horribly wrong that the one named survivor of the two cities is Lot (whose daughters effectively raped him in order to keep his bloodline in the general area); non-Jehovan faiths practiced human sacrifice with such regularity that, in so far as our records go, Abraham did not hesitate to prepare his heir for sacrifice (bear in mind this is after Ishmael was disinherited); Abraham wed his half-sister and had to routinely tell the authorities of the places that he visited that Sarah was his sister out of fear for being killed over her.
  • Patriarchs through Jacob: Isaac marries Rebekah (his cousin through Abraham's brother Nahor); Isaac and Rebekah both play favorites with their kids (Isaac preferred Esau while Rebekah favored Jacob); Jacob takes advantage of Esau's inability to think ahead in order to claim his heirship, and through Rebekah's deceptive plan he also takes a blessing that Isaac intended for Esau LDS: This situation gets mirrored in the relationship between the Nephites and the Lamanites, except this one has a somewhat happier ending; Jacob sends himself into exile because he's afraid that his brother will kill him over the deception, then sells himself into slavery for 7 14 years in order to marry Rachael (his second cousin, a granddaughter of the aforementioned Nahor - a bit less related than his parents (and grandparents) were but still a bit too close for modern sensibilities), only to get tricked by Laban (Nahor's son) into marrying Leah first; Jacob eventually ends up married to not only the sisters Leah and Rachel, but due to Rachel's inability to conceive also ends up married to their servants Bilhah and Zilpah (and we know it wasn't daddy's fault Rachel couldn't conceive because he had ten other boys and at least one girl between his three other wives); Rachel dies giving birth to Benjamin (it's implied that Jacob went celibate after that out of grief).
  • Joseph and the Occupation of Egypt: Joseph gets favored by Jacob because he's the firstborn of his beloved Rachel and ultimately gets sold into slavery by his own brothers; said brothers end up preventing an alliance with another nation when they basically massacre a village worth of men for violating said known sister; Joseph gets thrown in jail because he won't be his boss's Wife's Boy Toy. LDS: Joseph was in a no-win situation here regardless of how Potiphar would have reacted to the whole Boy Toy thing because it was either "Get thrown in Jail for refusing" or "Commit Adultery" - the latter would have cost him his priesthood authority and would have ultimately led to someone else being named Zaphnath-paaneah. Ultimately this whole mess ends up with the Hebrew peoples occupying Egypt under that dynasty's rule - and when that dynasty got overthrown, the new boss in town decided to enslave the old dynasty's most vocal supporters (the Hebrews).
  • Moses and the Exodus: By the time Moses came into play, the Hebrews had been enslaved for at least a century, probably two, and their religion had been intermingled with the Egyptian pantheon to the point that they were effectively worshiping neither Jehovah nor any known Egyptian diety. LDS: There's the Temporal, or Aaronic, Priesthood - the Priesthood authority to perform temporal administrative duties (including baptism), roughly equivalent to being a non-teller clerk at a bank: only handling paperwork, not actually making decisions; then there's the Spiritual, or Melchezidek, Priesthood - the Priesthood Authority at which the Patriarchs, Moses, the Prophets of ancient and modern dispensations, and the Apostles During The Ministry of Christ were ordained, and is the authority required of all saving ordinances beyond Baptism - maintaining the bank analogy, these would be underwriters. The upshot of all this? Moses got his Priesthood Authority from Jethro of Midian, not from any Hebrews in Egypt. Aaron did not have the authority to be a Prophet until after the Exodus. That's how far removed from Jehovah Worship the Hebrews had gotten.. Moses was so far removed from Hebrew society both as an Egyptian Noble and during his Exile to the Ishmaelites in Midian that he had to have his brother Aaron act as interpreter. After the Exodus, the Hebrews were still so embedded in worshiping whatever it was they were worshiping that as soon as Moses left to get Jehovah's Laws that Aaron had them make a golden calf for them to idolize. As punishment for this the Hebrews were cursed to wander the Sinai Peninsula for 40 years, living a nomadic lifestyle - meaning that the Hebrews of the Exodus didn't get to see the Promised land, but their children (who were innocent of the Golden Calf incident) did. Moses himself did not get to enter the Promised Land during his mortal life (bear in mind that the first thing we see Moses do is commit murder).
  • The Occupation (and Conquest) of Canaan: Long story short, the Hebrews were commanded to completely extinguish the Canaanites. This is pointed out in the Book of Judges, as the tribes of Judah, Simeon, and Joseph were the ones to comply with the command while the other tribes did not. This meant that peoples left alive in the land continued to worship their deities, and the Hebrews once again ended up with a corrupted version of Not-Quite-Jehovah-Worship. Eventually. This took far longer than the corruption in Egypt took due to the Hebrews not being continuously enslaved (read: enslaved for three or more successive generations) - it was still Jehovah Worship by the time of what I call The Royal Fuckup, but only just.
  • The United States of Israel (and their subsequent Civil War): Continuous period of war in one form or another. Samuel was ordained Prophet at a very young age (presumably 15 or 16, possibly as young as 12 but no later than 19) and the previous prophet Eli (along with his sons) were slain in the war as divine retribution for committing Priestcrafts. LDS: Priesthood Authority is summarily defined as "The Authority To Act In God's Name" and is intended to only be used to aid others. This is why you don't see a Mormon blessing himself by the laying on of hands. Priestcraft is a specific crime against God in which one abuses their Priesthood Authority for personal gain and is for that reason a very bad thing to do. Israel rejected the Judges and sought for a King to rule over them, and Jehovah gave them King Saul - righteous at first, but his pride got the better of him. After Saul was King David (who left a trail of bodies to the throne - next time you read 2nd Samuel, remember that the first rule of assassination is to kill the assassin). LDS: King David is an interesting case study in addiction. It's implied that Bathsheba was the last in a long line of... questionable acquisitions, and he fell from grace as a result of trying to cover up his indiscretion with her - the adultery happened while Uriah was still out leading an army (and Uriah would not lie with his wife while his men were afield, so David couldn't say "It's Uriah's kid I don't know what you're talking about SEVEN YEARS DUNGEON!"). There was a degree of faithfulness and peace during Solomon's reign but that only lasted as long as he lived, and he did something that is now applauded in a political leader - he put his nation in debt in order to do some construction projects. I'll grant you the Temple, he was commanded by Jehovah to build that, but he didn't stop there and it caused internal strain. His children split the kingdom into the two-and-a-half southern tribes of the Kingdom of Judah, with the remaining tribes in the northern Kingdom of Israel. I used to know by heart which tribes comprised the southern Kingdom but no longer do - I know it's two-and-a-half because "Joseph's tribe" is the the combination of the tribes of Ephraim and Manasseh, and I want to say Manasseh is the tribe that became part of the southern kingdom. I could be wrong though. LDS: In addition to revelation from God through the prophets of the modern dispensation, every person may receive what is known as a Patriarchal Blessing which contains revelations specific to the person receiving it. Part of what the blessing contains is to which tribe of Israel the recipient will be a part of when the Gathering of Israel occurs. The revelations are (supposed to be) sacred to the recipient so you won't generally hear Mormons standing up and proclaiming that they're a member of the tribe of Ephraim or whatever tribe they're a member of if it's not Ephraim.


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The knowledge gained from this reading. It is very helpful and I will put it to use in everyday life.