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Author Topic: Laugh = Lose  (Read 817543 times)

ybbald

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1095 on: October 26, 2009, 01:35:38 pm »

NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.

RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine
productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers.
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liquidCorgster

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1096 on: October 26, 2009, 01:36:27 pm »

I love two cows jokes. Go to uncyclopedia. They have a massive amount there.
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ybbald

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1097 on: October 26, 2009, 01:47:27 pm »

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of the accidents in the fewest of words:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intentions.

- I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my head through it.

- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car

- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached a intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

- As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accicdent.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

- I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

- I was thrown form my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows.

- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of it's way when it struck my car.

- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
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Neo

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1098 on: October 26, 2009, 01:58:47 pm »

I was defenseless against those, ybbbbbbbald

I'm pretty sure I've posted this before, oh well...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNLDLyeepVs
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ybbald

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1099 on: October 26, 2009, 02:07:11 pm »

I know. I was reading them on another site and I was in class, but I couldn't stop laughing even when I was biting down hard on my finger. They ripped right through my laughter shield
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ybbald

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1100 on: October 26, 2009, 04:35:05 pm »

2003 Darwin Award Winner

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

=================================================================================

And now, the honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping round, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look forhimself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days. This is my favourite.......

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, ”FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!” For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he’d been about to draw his gun. He couldn’t have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, “Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!”

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
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ybbald

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1101 on: October 26, 2009, 05:00:06 pm »

In grade school, the teacher is playing an alphabet game. When he asks if anyone knew a word that started with the letter "P", little Johnny raises his hand.

The little kid says, "Penis. My Daddy has two of them."

The teacher's jaw drops.

The child continues, "His little one is for going to the bathroom and the big one is for brushing Mommy's teeth."
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liquidCorgster

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1102 on: October 26, 2009, 05:13:40 pm »

A fuck-up indeed.
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ybbald

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1103 on: October 26, 2009, 05:21:50 pm »

A little boy walks into a whorehouse with a dead frog on a string. He tells the guy at the front that he wants a girl. The guy says "sorry, we don't serve minors." The kid proceeds to pull a roll of large bills from his pocket, and sets it in front of the guy. The guy looks down at the wad of bills and, without looking up, says "first door on the left."

The kid goes back and enters the room, but comes back out after a minute or so, still trailing the dead frog. He says "No, that's not what i want, she's got to have herpes." The guy looks taken aback. "I don't know what you think, kid, but we don't run that kind of establishment." The kid again takes out a wad of bills and sets it down on the counter. The guy looks as though he's having second thoughts, but quickly snatches the money up and says "last door on the right."

So the kid goes back and comes out a while later, having finished with the hooker. As the kid is about to leave, the guy's curiosity finally overcame his discretion. "Hey kid, i've gotta know, why the hell did you want a hooker with Herpes?"

So the kid explains, "Well, I'll go home and fuck the babysitter and give her herpes, then she'll fuck my dad and give it to him, then he'll fuck my mom and give her herpes, then she'll fuck the milkman, and HE'S THE ASSHAT WHO RAN OVER MY FUCKING FROG!!!!
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Pokota

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1104 on: October 26, 2009, 05:37:40 pm »

Ybbald, how many times am I going to make you lose from that one forum link?

And since when are there three b's in your name?

ybbald

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1105 on: October 26, 2009, 05:43:30 pm »

hmm, that's a typo
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Klagmar

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1106 on: October 26, 2009, 09:06:57 pm »

Take the time to read through this thread. You will lose. It is... inevitable.

Is the very first one a pun in itself? Because there's a song called Mock Morris, which is exactly what was happening in the joke =P
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Rad

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1107 on: October 26, 2009, 09:40:07 pm »

There's no way im going to read every page of that link.
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ybbald

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1108 on: October 26, 2009, 09:43:31 pm »

It's good though, rad. I'm up to page 10
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liquidCorgster

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Re: Laugh = Lose
« Reply #1109 on: October 26, 2009, 09:47:27 pm »

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